A married friend of mine said to me the other day “Wow, what is it like to be single? It’s been so long since I’ve had a first date. It must be awesome.” (Okay, so I don’t actually have a friend who said this, but doesn’t it just sound like something, someone, somewhere might have said to a single gal?) I bring up this imaginary but totally believable person to make my next point. Being single is not awesome. First dates are weird. Relationships are…I’m not sure how to end that sentence.
Being single allows people in your life to show how much they love and care for you by telling you the various reasons why they think you are single. So after years of hearing them I have compiled the top 10 reasons why you are single as told to you by your best friend, mother, grandmother, therapist, female co-workers, stranger on buses listening to your personal phone conversations (rude).
I will rate these reasons from 1 being totally invalid to 10 being completely valid and reasons why I think so.
1) You’re too picky (a favorite of grandmothers everywhere). (5) Maybe. I can see how having a huge list of things you want in a person and strictly adhering to everything on the list would not work in your favor. We are all super flawed and the sooner we realize everyone else is too the better we will get along with people. On the other hand what is “too picky”? All we want is a guy who is fun and spontaneous, but not reckless, smart and funny but not arrogant, generous, but not superficial, strong and protective, but not possessive, brave and chivalrous, but not controlling, sensitive and kind, but not wimpy. Who always puts us above everyone else but also has a life and friends of his own. He has to always take our side when we are mad at someone, but also have a backbone and an opinion of his own. Treat us like a princess, but not a damsel in distress. He has to accept us with all of our drama and baggage, but call us out when we are being ridiculous. Okay so maybe this one is valid. I may move this up to a 7 (maybe 8). But if we are being too picky then why do I know so many women who are smart, interesting, fun, and awesome pick guys who treat them like crap? Was it that they weren’t picky enough or they just don’t realize what things they should be picky about? I say Keep: guys who make you happy, treat you nice, likes your friends. Lose: everyone else.
2) You enjoy your independence. Yes, true, correct. (10…or possibly 1) I like being independent. But what exactly does this mean? I think the problem with this one is that you either must be independent or the opposite, dependent. And the word “dependent” has such a negative connotation. I would love someone else to take out my trash, load the dishwasher, pick me up when my car breaks down, call me two or more times a day, listen to me about my day and wants to hang out when we both have free time. But I don’t think this makes me dependent. It makes me smart. No one wants to do everything for himself or herself. Let’s face it; most people don’t like to do anything for themselves (i.e. Roomba). And while I cringe at the idea of being needy, having someone know where I am and when I’m going to be home is pretty nice.
3) You’re focused on your career. (1) This statement is hardly ever in reference to single men. When a man is über focused on his career we find him ambitious and attractive. When a woman is the same way we find her selfish. Why is that? We, as women get a bad rap (not to be confused with a bad wrap, which is a poorly made sandwich) for putting a lot of effort into our careers. So should we put our ambitions on hold so as not to have to put our families on hold? I don’t know the answer to this but I do know it isn’t fair.
4) There are no good men left in the universe. (1) Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. I refuse to believe this premise.
5) You don’t want to settle (best friends love telling you this one). (10) Are those my two choices? Settling or being single? Lame. Settling for anything is stupid. I know women who will argue with a cashier for 20 minutes to get $.50 off a roll of toilet paper because they didn’t want to settle for the original price and yet they will pick a guy who is no good for them because it’s “time to get married”. Mind blowing. Don’t settle.
6) You don’t need a man. (3) Yes. I don’t. I also don’t need a $25 manicure twice a month, but it makes me happy, makes me feel pretty and it’s nice to relax and have someone pamper me for a little while, which coincidently are the same things that being in a healthy relationship should give you. (To read my other 297 reasons as to how relationship are like getting your nails done please read my ebook “Nails and Males: 300 ways men are like a manicure.”)
7) As soon as you stop looking so hard the perfect guy will come along. (1!!!!) Shut up. This is dumb.
8) You aren’t meeting anyone. (6) Duh. Thanks.
9) You’re unlovable, ugly and don’t deserve a good relationship. (0) This one is one we almost always at one point or another tell ourselves. I don’t know how, I don’t know why, but somehow seemingly smart, funny, interesting women have this notion in their heads. Baffling. Somewhere between age nine and the end of times it worms its way in to our subconscious and makes us choose assholes, hate ourselves, settle and buy cats (and more cats and then bunnies). There are great guys in the world and there are bad guys in the world and until we truly believe we are lovable, beautiful, and deserving of great things the bad guys are going to smell this on us and pounce and good guys are going to lose out because we think they are too good for us. So no more. We are done. We can’t give bad guys a reason to stay bad and treat women crappily. We can’t keep turning down nice guys. We’re too good for this. Next time you think this about yourself call a girl friend and she will happily let you know what a dumbass you’re being.
10) You believe too much in the fairy tale. (2) I’m fairly certain this is not our fault but perhaps the fault of actual fairy tales. Screw you literature.